The Man With The Frown Is Coming Around To Bring You Down

Not a nice man, and a whiskey to match. (Photo lifted from Instagram)

For most of my career as a drinks writer, such as it is, I generally avoided writing negative reviews. I figured, there’s enough good stuff out there, why waste time harping on the bad stuff? I’d rather steer people to things than steer them away. There are always writers out there willing to trash something, and get clicks in the process. That wasn’t me. And over time, booze brands and PR firms figured this out. I stopped getting sent questionable products — like, for instance, the Tabasco-flavored Southern Comfort that arrived on my doorstep one fateful day around 2011, and which is forever seared in my memory. Eventually I was only drinking Quality Hooch. And at some point I started wondering if I could even distinguish the bad from the good anymore, or if it all tasted good to me because it was all supposed to taste good.

Well, I can thank Conor McGregor for confirming that my critical faculties remain intact. It was McGregor, of UFC fame and criminal/legal notoriety, who launched Proper No. Twelve Irish Whiskey a few years ago. At the time, I had only the vaguest idea of who he was, but the whiskey was being heavily touted in the industry. I was invited, along with a bunch of other writers, to try it and a plethora of other whiskeys at the Irish consulate around the time of its launch. And try it we did. And a few minutes later, a gaggle of us were huddled in the middle of the room, asking each other, “Is it just me, or is this whiskey absolutely horrible?” It wasn’t just any of us, it was ALL of us who unanimously pronounced it utter garbage. And that, for me at least, was where the story was going to end. If a publicist were to ask me why I hadn’t written about one of the briskest-selling new whiskeys to come down the pike, I was prepared to say that I was doing them a favor, and you’re welcome. But nobody asked, and sales certainly didn’t suffer without my endorsement.

In 2021, when I started writing bottle reviews for Liquor.com, my situation changed pretty drastically. I didn’t have a say in what I was to review — I was now at the mercy of some arcane SEO-driven system, the workings of which completely escape me. I couldn’t just stick to the good stuff. I had to review whatever came my way with complete honesty, whether it was a pleasant surprise (I had no idea Rémy Martin’s cognacs were so uniformly good) or a disappointment (I love Patron’s blanco tequila, but the añejo leaves me cold). So when I was assigned Proper No. Twelve, I did not mince words. The fact that Mr. McGregor (who has since sold a large part of his share in the brand) is a repugnant human being only made it more enjoyable to write.

I’m in frequent contact with spirits publicists who bust their asses day in and day out to provide me and my fellow scribes with everything we need to get our writing done in a timely fashion. They’re answering emails at 11 PM, messengering bottles to our apartments on a moment’s notice, scrounging around for the obscure nuggets of information we need, setting up interviews with distillers, you name it. And when I write bad reviews, I won’t lie, I think about those people who enabled me to write them, and I feel… less than wonderful. But just as they have to do their job, I have to do mine. And if Proper No. Twelve didn’t taste like Listerine, I wouldn’t have to say it does.

This is all a very long wind-up to the link to my review of Proper No. Twelve. It was published, coincidentally, the very same day as my takedown of one of the nastiest non-medicinal beverages I’ve ever had the bad fortune to try, Red Stag by Jim Beam. And that review is also just a click away (click -> HERE <-). I’ve got to admit, I don’t relish writing bad reviews, but they ARE pretty fun to write. And I hope they’re fun (and informative) to read, as well.

POSTSCRIPT!

So my Proper No. Twelve review caused a bit of a kerfuffle, resulting (eventually) in Liquor dot com switching from having individual reviewers write up spirits to having a panel do so. In the process, my review was deleted and replaced with a panel review (spoiler alert: they didn’t like it either). My editor almost got fired. I was, soon thereafter and probably forevermore, no longer writing for Liquor.com. A publicist with whom I’d been friends for a decade stopped speaking to me. Kind of makes you want to read the review now, doesn’t it? Well fortunately, I have rescued it from oblivion thanks to the Internet Archive Wayback Machine! And here it is, in its entirety, exactly as it was published in April 2022:

Proper No. Twelve Irish Whiskey Review

Conor McGregor’s whiskey is almost as unpleasant as he is.

Liquor dot com rating: 1/5

An unpleasant astringency and notes of Listerine on the finish make this Irish whiskey from UFC fighter Conor McGregor as unsavory as its founder’s infamous personality.

Fast Facts: 

Classification — Irish whiskey

Company — Eire Born Spirits

Distillery — Bushmills (Bushmills, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom)

Cask — ex-bourbon

Still Type — copper pot

Released — 2018

Proof — 80 (40% ABV)

Aged — at least 3 years

MSRP — $25

Awards — Gold, 2020 Bartender Spirits Awards; Gold, 2020 USA Spirits Ratings

PROS: 

$5 from each case sold is donated to local first responder programs, up to $1 million annually.

Its green glass bottle and old-school label, featuring a tiger wearing a crown (representing Mr. McGregor himself?), are terrific-looking.

CONS:

This is really not, by any standard, a good whiskey. The palate is oddly astringent and the finish has notes of Listerine.

Apart from the money going to first responders, Proper No. Twelve revenues also go into the pocket of Conor McGregor, who has been seen on video punching an old man in the head for refusing a shot of his whiskey.

Tasting Notes

Color: A very appealing golden straw

Nose: Light and sweet. At first, paint thinner is the dominant aroma, but once it opens up, it takes on more agreeable floral and citrus notes.

Palate: Light and oddly astringent—a little bitter and slightly sour. It tastes as if someone pulled a bad barrel and decided to make a whiskey out of it. There’s some vanilla in there too, but it fails to overcome the weird dominant flavors.

Finish: Long and quite unpleasant. Lots of oak, which is surprising for a three-year-old whiskey, combined with Listerine (the original medicinal flavor, not the cool mint). 

Our Review

Conor McGregor is, by many accounts, a rotten human being, and his whiskey doesn’t do much to redeem him. Launched in 2018 by the former UFC champion with multiple arrests under his title belt, Proper No. Twelve lists David Elder, previously of Guinness Brewery, as its master distiller. The distillate is sourced from Bushmills, the legendary distillery which has been making fine Irish whiskey for centuries. A blend of single malt and grain whiskeys, it is triple-distilled (par for the course for Irish whiskey) and aged a minimum of three years in ex-bourbon barrels. What could go wrong? Apparently, judging from the final product, quite a bit.

So what happened? It’s hard to say. It could be that Bushmills sold off subpar stocks, knowing that McGregor’s name would sell Proper No. Twelve regardless of quality. It could be something Elder and/or McGregor did during the blending or aging process. It could just be that Mr. McGregor likes whiskey that tastes like Listerine, and this was what he had in mind. But whatever happened, what went in the bottle is almost as disagreeable as McGregor’s notorious personality. 

As a sipper, this whiskey is practically intolerable. As a mixer, it’s best buried among other ingredients—but at 80 proof, it doesn’t even bring a lot of alcohol to the party. On the plus side, at $25 a bottle, Proper No. Twelve is one of the more affordable Irish whiskeys on the market. But there are plenty of superior options for roughly the same price, including Bushmills’ own flagship expression.

Interesting Fact: Conor McGregor’s whiskey is named for the Dublin suburb of Crumlin, postal code 12, where he grew up. “It’s proper Irish whiskey and twelve is my hometown,” he explained in a press release.

The Bottom Line: You may or may not be a fan of Conor McGregor, but if you’re a fan of good Irish whiskey, it’s best to stay away from Proper No. Twelve, an unpleasant blend of single malt and grain whiskeys with flavors that include Listerine.